


If I Lose Myself

by orphan_account



Category: Star vs. The Forces Of Evil
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, If I Lose Myself came up on my playlist, Insomnia, Marco Vs the Forces of his Monster Arm, Nightmares, SO, it's minor Starco but still Starco, mmm mmm angsty, yep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-23 23:10:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6133360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the nights that are the hardest when you've got a war in your head, but it's nice to know you have someone by your side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Lose Myself

**Author's Note:**

> Everything I write nowadays is just a way to practice writing honestly, so it sucks but it doesn't completely suck, ya feel? Leo won the Oscar last night and life feels a little... memeingless. But he is happy so yay Leo, now go get the Academy to give one to Johnny Depp. They won't, but anyway.
> 
> Inspired by music, mostly If I Lose Myself by OneRepublic.
> 
> So if you want to read and listen, go ahead.
> 
> This is kinda sad, but kinda sweet. Idk.

The nightmares had returned.

Every time he woke he felt the tingling. It scared him senseless. He wasn't oblivious to what it was. The dreams had been quite clear on that.

Too clear.

He was afraid. Afraid of losing control. Afraid of the dreams. Afraid of the prosepect. Afraid of himself. Afraid of destroying everything and everyone he ever loved.

Marco emerged from his bed in a cold sweat. Pacing around his room with short quick breaths, trying to slow them so he would calm. It wasn't working. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears and it gave him a headache.

_**There are ways to forget pain, boy.** _

He wanted to scream, to cry out, to make his suffering known for all the good it did to him.

_Make it stop, please, make it stop._

It was a silent prayer.

The room was dark and shadows lurked in every corner. Staring at him, playing with his mind. Mocking his deteriorating strength. He felt for sure when the night was over, his will would have crumbled too. The sun was a long way off.

* * *

Star felt something stir her from her sleep. She wasn't sure what it was. Waking her at any normal time was a feat not easily done. Yet, here she was, awake and wide eyed in the war hours. Feeling a very large lump of dread in her stomach.

There was no monsters. No sleep goblins. No disturbances in the workings of the tiny magic residents of her room. There was no screams or sound of any kind from the rest of the house, besides the gentle but ever present sound of Mr. Diaz's snores and the ticking of the comforting hall clock. Occasionally a laser puppy's whimper.

Still the knot wouldn't leave. The unfamiliar familiar knot. She knew she had felt it before. It was a side effect of something she didn't wish to concentrate on at this time. Still she knew what it meant.

She crept down the hall quietly, hoping maybe it was just indigestion from the unorthodox amount of beans she had eaten last night. Hoping Marco was sleeping peacefully in his bed with nothing to mar his fine features, no malicious dream or worry. Just rest and peaceful state of mind.

Her worries were not alleviated, she peaked into his room to see the covers of his bed thrown askew. Marco kneeling at his window with his head in his hands. His quick breaths doing nothing to calm him down.

"Marco," she said it so softly.

To Marco, she sounded afraid, afraid  _of_  him.

 _I am a_   _monster._

Star was afraid, afraid  _for_  him.

"Marco," she tried again crouching next to him, she set a reassuring hand on his arm gently.

Pain shot through it with her touch, his head shot up quite suddenly as he cried out and hastily removed it from her grasp. It burned like a hot brass iron had seared into the skin.

"Marco, I'm sorry! What happened? Did you hurt your arm again?"

_**She**_ _**blames** _ _**you** _ _**for** _ _**this.** _

_No she's worried._

_**She**_ _**blames** _ _**you,** _ _**when this is** _ _**her** _ _**doing.** _ _**All** _ _**her** _ _**doing. All** _ _**this pain, is her.** _

Marco cringed as he tried to force the unwelcome voice out of his mind.

"It's gonna be okay Star, just don't touch it right now, okay?"

"It's not okay Marco, something is very wrong." She searched his eyes, but he couldn't look at her. The knot tightened.

"I'll be alright, I just had a nightmare, fell off my bed and landed on my arm."

She was worried and it only made things worse. His head was still throbbing.

"Marco, tell me the truth." It was a simple request.

"It is the truth, I had a nightmare."

Star looked at him intently, he still couldn't look her in the eyes but she saw pain in his.

Then she looked at the arm he held. 

_**Oh,** oh _ _please_ _no._

"He came back." There was no question who  _he_  was, there was no question of what she meant. They both knew.

"He's been back." The boy admitted grimly.

"This is all my fault. I'm so sorry Marco. There's, no, no way I can make up for what I did this time."

"It's  _my_  fault Star, I let him corrupt me, let him feed on my bad thoughts."

"You couldn't help it, he was there. I put him there."

"I could've been stronger. I could've fought it. I could've been braver, I'm afraid of myself."

"Marco, you are strong. You've kept him under control all this time? That's a crazy amount of strength. And bravery? Marco you're the bravest person I know."

"Star I've been afraid my whole life, why do you think I was the Safe Kid? All those extra precautions? It's paranoia, I'm basically afraid of living."

"Well, you aren't very afraid of dying, because you've almost done that several times to protect other people." She took a deep breath. "Especially me."

Guilt weighed heavily on her shoulders now.

"But that's what I'm afraid of most Star, I'm afraid of hurting other people. I'm afraid of hurting  _you._  I don't know what I would do if I lost you, especially if it was my fault."

He still wouldn't look at her, and the knot was unbearable. Star gently took a hand and made him face her, her breath hitching when she felt a shock at the touch of his face.

"It doesn't matter if you hurt me Marco, I hurt you first. An arm for an arm, that's a sort of saying? Okay, so cut off my arm. You won't lose me. I'm going to be here with you, no matter what happens now."

Marco finally looked her in the eyes. Their shade a deep blue he had rarely seen, conveying every inch of the seriousness of the situation.

"And if I turn into a monster? Destroy everything and everyone I love?" Her heart fluttered a little as he finished his thought. "Try to destroy you?"

Her voice slowly took on a lighter tone.

"Haven't I already done something like that? And weren't you the only person to try and pull me out of it? We're in this together Marco, I'm not going to see you destroy anything. And if you turn into a monster, well who was it that taught me not all monsters are bad?"

Somewhere in the span of time, Marco's breathing had slowed considerably. The pain in his arm has numbed down to the frightening but bearable tingle. The voice in his head had been drowned out by the beating of his heart, but the headache had settled.

Her hand remained holding his face towards her. And as his thoughts wavered, he began to realize it. A warmth spreading through his cheeks as they watched each other for a few moments. With all that had been said. All the gentle reassurances, declarations of loyalty. There were still a good many things unsaid.

He gently removed her hand from his cheek. Much to her clear disappointment, but placed it instead on the offending arm. The tingle remained, but the burn did not come.

And suddenly she could not look him in the eyes.

"I still did this to you." She said darkly. "I should never have stayed."

Marco wanted to protest greatly, but somehow in his exhausted state and the bewitching illusions of the pre-dawn light, he found a far better way to say it.

"An arm for an arm, Star."

"What?" And when she looked at him again, she felt the knot explode into her surnamesake.

In the dim light of morning stars there was all sorts of things that made themselves better known than even at dusk. It was a time of realizations and revelations.

"An arm for an arm, because if I didn't have you around, I might as well not have a right hand. You're a part of my life now, a part of  _me._  If you hadn't stayed, then my life wouldn't be complete."

Marco was not usually so eloquent, nor Star so speechless, but actions speak louder than words. Her sudden embrace was all the reply that was needed.

* * *

Dawn peeked over the horizon just beyond. Rays of light creeping in the window on the pair who slept peacefully under it's seal. Comfortably within each other's warm arms and warm assurances.

In the end, it's darkest right before the sun.

**Author's Note:**

> Always remember it does get better.


End file.
